Primary Parent
PRIMARY PARENT MODEL
If parent's separate wouldn't it be much simpler and better for kids if they stayed day to day with one parent and visited the other parent say every second weekend ?
NO this model is very harmful to children and it is very acrimonious.
HARM
Looking at the data concerning children who do not live with both biological parents:
-double the suicide rate;
-3 times more likely to suffer physical abuse;
-5 times more likely to suffer sexual abuse;
-3 times more likely to suffer emotional abuse;
-4 times more likely to suffer physical neglect;
-3 times more likely to suffer emotional neglect;
-5 times more likely to suffer educational neglect;
-twice as likely to have psychiatric disorders;
-7 times more likely to be teenage mothers;
(therefore likely many more abortions)
-70 % of youths in State institutions are from fatherless homes.
-75 % of adolescent patients in substance abuse centres are from fatherless homes.
-85 % of rapists motivated by displaced anger are from fatherless homes
-85 % of children who exhibit behavioural disorders are from fatherless homes;
STEP PARENTS
If one parent becomes the primary parent and the child seldom gets to see the other parent they miss out on that parent to watch over their safety.
-10 times more likely to suffer physical abuse;
-17 times more likely to suffer sexual abuse;
-8 times more likely to suffer emotional abuse;
-7 times more likely to suffer physical neglect;
-10 times more likely to suffer emotional neglect;
-6 times more likely to suffer educational neglect;
When there is a step parent involved the primary parent will often be reluctant to call out abuse if that parent is reliant on the step parent financially so actual rates of abuse are much likely significantly higher than published by the government.
NOT STABLE
Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that the longer parents are separated the less that children get to see one parent. So in practical terms this means that if a child only gets to see one parent once a fortnight when the parents separate by the time the child finishes high school this may drag out to once a month or even longer:
DISPUTATION
In the situation where one parent is the primary parent and the other parent is not the other parent would often like to see the child more, particularly for special occasions like birthdays and other major events. If the primary parent will not allow this then it will sometimes result in acrimony that the child gets to be part of. Other reasons for disputation over the child's time with the non primary parent's time include:
-reduced time with the non primary parent means more Child Support and government payments for the primary parent;
-increased time with the non primary parent means less Child Support payments and more government payments for the non primary parent;
-the primary parent using the child's time with the other parent as leverage to get more money and other issues;
-desire by the child to have more time with the non primary parent;
-desire by the non primary parent to have more time;
-payback by the non primary parent from when they had little opportunity to have time with the child;
-tactic for future family court cases;
-retaliation over Child Support issues which include, failure of the CSA to collect, second job issues, CSA arbitrarily increasing payments, extra payments for private schooling yet the primary parent has placed the child in public schooling, disputes over time with the child, time in boarding school counted as time with the primary parent, cost of enabling access particularly if the parents live a long way apart, the scheme does not recognise the fixed child care costs of providing housing for the child by the other parent, the scheme is more focused on incomes than actual variable costs of caring for children, reduction due to cost of other children by the non primary parent, lots of other issues;
-vindictiveness by either parent.
The child can get involved in the dispute in many ways including:
-told that mummy or daddy does not want to collect you;
-hearing angry exchanges at changeover locations;
-forced to take sides;
-have pictures taken of bruises (many of which have nothing to do with abuse or neglect by one parent);
-bribed with gifts or lax parenting to win over the child (for older children this can include permissiveness over drugs and alcohol and sexual promiscuity);
-given unnecessary medical treatments to stir up the other parent and create a tactical advantage in the Family Court;
-having to attend court or custody evaluator;
-selectively be shown court and other papers;
-being injected with negative stories ('smear campaign') by the other parent reinforced by a wide circle of people the child is in regular contact with how bad the other parent is;
-being used as a spy to gather information for Child Support or Family Court purposes.
If the Family Court gets involved and it frequently does, the Court plants the child firmly in the middle of what should be a parental dispute. This is the worst possible thing the government could do.
It would be difficult to invent a recipe that creates more disputation involving the children of separated parents and then rewarding the very worst parental behaviour.
Sadly this disputation can frequently involve a child for most of their childhood.
The primary parent (ie sole custody) model can work with minimal disputation however it requires 2 very mature psychologically balanced parents to do so.
If children are cared 50/50 and there is no easy access to the family court the opportunity for disputation is minuscule compared to the primary parent model.
MOVING
SUBURB/CITY/STATE/COUNTRY
If one parent is made the primary parent it empowers them to move geographically if they wish to do so. They may have genuine reasons such as job opportunity, new spouse, etc. to move suburb, city, state or country. Depending on the distance, the impact on the child's time with the other parent can be catastrophic.
VISITOR
It is sad that only 36 % of older teenage children of separated parents get to stay 1 or more overnights with the non primary parent. The reality is that most children of separated parents do not regularly stay overnight with one parent.
Normal parent activities with a child;
-include spending lots of time with the child;
-sharing overnights;
-sharing breakfast lunch and dinner;
-making them eat green vegetables;
-soothing them when they have nightmares;
-tending their wounds;
-cuddling them;
-reading bedtime stories;
-advising them how to cope with bullies when they come home from school upset;
-teaching them good habits like brushing teeth;
-helping with homework;
-encouraging homework;
-putting on birthday parties;
-teaching good table manners;
-teaching them not to tell lies;
-positive encouragement for sport;
-safely getting kids to school;
-monitoring if the child is becoming friendly with other children who are trouble makers and taking steps to reduce contact with them.
There are 4 special gendered relationships for children that are needed for healthy social/psychological development that is: daughter/mother, daughter/father, son/mother and son/father. Each one of these teaches children certain things, for example the daughter/father relationship teaches girls how to have a close relationship with a male without having sex with him.
A parent cannot do the above when they only see the child every fortnight or once a month. This also reduces the attachment bonds that form from lots of time spent with a child. These attachment bonds will be damaged for life.
The sad fact is that if a child spends little time with one parent they will probably get to spend little time with that parent's extended family so they will miss out on time with grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts.
DISCIPLINE
A parent is an authority figure for a child because they have authority ie they can make decisions for the child such as:
-how late at night they can stay up;
-when can they bring friends home;
-when can they go to the movies;
-how much screen time they are allowed;
-can they get an ear pierced;
-do they have to help with household chores;
-can they have ice-cream for dessert;
-how long can they stay in the shower;
-can they ride their bicycle to school.
A parent who only sees the child every fortnight or month has zero decision making authority and does not have the parent role in the child's mind.
VALUES
If one parent is the primary parent and the other parent only gets to see the child a few hours every second week or once a month how can that parent install in them values that the primary parent is ambivalent about such as religion.
CHILD AS THE PRIZE ISSUE
It is human nature for every parent to think they are a better parent than the other parent so once parent's separate each one will often want to become the primary parent. Adding to this problem is the motivation to want to be the primary parent. This includes:
-Ego … maintaining a strong ego is important for many parents and even more so for the many narcissistic parents who separate.
-Financial … the law rewards the majority of the marital assets to the primary parent after parental separation ... payments from Government (sole parent pension, family allowance, cheap/free legal, cheap council rates, cheap electricity, cheap public transport, cheap education) and Child maintenance is sometimes generous and can result in the primary parent having a very comfortable lifestyle without having to work, increased entitlement under inheritance law when elderly relatives pass away.
-Control … this will mean that the primary parent gets to impose their values on to the children and the other parent does not.
-Psychological control … the primary parent can ensure that the child is surrounded by only those people who share the same narrative as them ensuring a cult like control over the child which is invaluable if there is ever any family court proceedings over child custody and access.
-Victim-hood … the primary parent can claim to be overloaded caring for the children getting much help with child minding from friends and family.
Freedom … the primary parent can move geographically with the children if it suits them whereas if the other parent does this is will make it more costly and difficult to spend time with the children.
Power … the primary parent can use time spent with the children as a weapon to control the other parent and relatives to get them to do what they want.
New Life … Some people feel that the marital relationship has ended and they want nothing more to do with that person so to achieve this they need the relationship of the child to the other parent to end.
Legal … when it comes to do with anything related to the law ie Legal Aid, criminal prosecution, criminal sentencing etc the law smiles on someone who is the primary parent.
Most parents who are separated will be motivated from the above to tell all their friends and family that a child needs a primary parent and that they should be the primary parent. After the children have grown up the primary parent will claim the same to justify what they have done.
Under the current system large numbers of primary parents claim the reason the other parent does not see the child much is because they are uninterested. This compares with large numbers of the other parents claiming the reasons they are not able to see the child because the primary parent either won't allow it or makes it very difficult. With both sides blaming each other it does nothing to help ensure that children get to see lots of both of their parents.
In summary about the only factor in favour of the primary parent model is if it suits one or both of the parents. In the majority of the cases this will be the parent who wants to be the primary parent.